Question My Sanity or Purpose To My Passion?

January 6, 2009

Maybe I can write honestly… compellingly. I over think everything. I want to try and explain the self turmoil I am facing.. what I am feeling.

Somewhere I got the idea that in this lifetime we can choose love over fear, it’s a choice. And there is no right choice. Whatever we choose just is. But, if enough of us come together and choose love over fear we will create a beautiful world to live in. I thought the opposite would be self-destruction… but it could be an over domination of pain or greed. I was never really sure what. Well, the movie Zeitgeist put an image to mind of what the world is leading to if we as people remain ignorant.

And I almost don’t  think I can write fast enough about this topic, but I feel an urge and a sense to write. If someone else is writing the exact same thing as me than I guess I would like to meet that person, whereas my first reaction was always to not write. Fear of getting noticed maybe, fear of “plagiarizing.” Whatever it was I am writing now, and it’s a start.

The educational system is flawed and yet I believe that the power of the internet and sharing and the freedom of information is what will save society from the restraints and misguidance of government. I had always thought the American government was flawed, where did that thought come from? But now I am hearing about our Canadian government supporting and following suit to the Americans. But why should I be surprised, if it’s American greed; and by that I refer to the people at the top who control all of the money. American businesses have been buying Canadian businesses for years, the Hudson’s Bay Company… Canada’s oldest company was bought last year.

I live my life thinking I can make a difference, feeling like I can make a difference. And there is a sense of urgency, so I ask for advice and the first thing I am told is that I need clarity. So I seek clarity. And in my search for clarity the ideas are more complex than I originally thought and they require funding. But I have no financial, um, manners is what I will call it. Like millions of other Canadians I grew up without a decent education of money. Over the past 5 years I have been trying to educate myself through books, but habits are hard to break and I have discovered I do not know how to ask for money. But financial education aside I am still working on my clarity. I do my best to come up with the numbers based on the knowledge I have obtained. However, every time I take my ideas to someone they focus on whatever flaw jumps out at them. Granted, this has helped me develop the ideas and I feel its been a necessary step. But, now with the main concept complete and having shown a handful of people I haven’t met the right people and because of that I lost some steam. I became depressed and unsure of myself.

However, once again I come across information that persuades me to act one way or another on my stirring emotions.

I’ll admit, I could have been better with my finances but over the past few months I have been working hard trying to figure out what I can do to move in a forward direction. And in the process my bills have gone unpaid and I have accumulated, what is to me, massive debt. I’m finally at my bottom, waiting for a $300 check that will help me pay this months rent. But my fear of the gas being shutoff escalates. I have milk and bread, though my cell phone has been cut off and there is a chance the internet may be cut off. I’m hoping it stays connected long enough for me to finish writing this.

I feel that everything I am compelled to accomplish can be done starting with the internet, but technology has become so overwhelming with the rapid advancements and changes. Even the internet has become a bottomless pit of information and I am amazed at how people find new things, let alone interesting things. I have come across countless video sharing sites, social networking sites, information sites, online stores, and blogs that I wonder how can anybody manage their intake of all this information?

The picture in my head is of the internet becoming simplified in the years to come, and this will be thanks to the commercialization and adoption of new business models online. Although there are a few economic principles I have yet to understand that will help me wrap my head around the future of the internet, but I can already see the great potential to share the wealth with the masses. Through the simplification process and the ability for talented and skilled individuals to create income the internet revolution can build a sort of balance to the world. Like a giant bridge or platform to share ideas, resources, talent, skills, and information. I believe it starts with the communication and education of systems that are just starting to be developed. Systems that will see exponential growth in the years to come.

Balance will come through an equal communication platform, maybe Wikipedia is the start of it or at least the pioneer of it. But news, information, documentaries, stories, and education is fundamental. And those things are still very fragmented and scattered online. Above that, for these systems and processes to create sustainable business models advertising will play a fundamental role, but this too is very disorganized.

Interestingly, the ideas I have been working on for the past 3 years create a model that contributes to sharing, teaching, and funding the ongoing and organized growth of new internet businesses and communications.

Disappointingly, I have no money to pay the $12.95 to register the web domain to get started. And my debt creates much emotional turbulence that is impacting my performance and confidence. I have a problem asking for money, although I started to. But, it seems like nobody has any money. It could be that this whole idea is a flop, or I could be 3 feet from gold.

If there is any purpose to what I am doing maybe, just maybe, the right person will show up asking the right questions. I believe I have the answers.

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